How much intimacy is in your chaos?

In terms of intimacy, what force compels (attracts) you to be close to those you are close to?  Out of all the types of relationships we can find ourselves in, have you ever wondered just what makes a close relationship so special and touching inside?  Could the way we relate to others, in ways mirror a part of ourselves that denies who we really are?

Intimacy:

To better establish the idea of intimacy, here are a few points to consider:  Do you aspire to share the time not filled with obligation (your free time) with people you have to hide parts of yourself around?  How about going out of your way with the intention of “fitting in” with those who have a set of core values you feel to be much different than your own?  What special ingredient causes you to separate an acquaintance mentally, from someone you share the special intimacy that goes along with who you are with?

Personally, one of the attributes that attracts me to someone is the feeling that I can be myself and share the unfiltered version of what’s on my mind and in my heart without feeling as though I have to somehow hold back.  Situations where I feel being my natural self isn’t the right thing to do for a variety of reasons don’t appeal to me so much, despite life doling out it’s fair share of those unpredictable situations on it’s own terms.

There is intimacy in darkness…

There’s something special in feeling comfortable and safe enough with those close to you that you can share the true essence of who you are, how you think and what you feel.  To me those qualities (and more) are some of the most important ingredients when it comes to intimacy.  Whether it be with a co-worker, friend or lover, I personally feel the greatest amount of intimacy and closeness when I can be myself, completely.

That being said… what is it to “share completely?”  What kind of intimacy does truly being yourself entail?  While the idea of deep intimacy may bring fourth all kinds of thoughts, desires and dreams, there’s something that about deep intimacy easily overlooked:

Darkness.  I don’t think it’s so hard to agree, we all have our own “individual” ideas of the world.  To some extent, our ideas of how the world works make up the reality we live.  It can be difficult when someone close to you doesn’t “see it your way.”  Even with all the spirituality, personal development and various other practices many of us choose to bring into our lives with the intention of finding greater balance — there is still part of just about every one of us that hurts.  I won’t even begin to get into all the reasons we can hurt, mentally, physically and emotionally – but pain (suffering) seems to be one of the many polarities that are part of this plane of existence.

Wouldn’t it make sense then, that there’s a certain intimacy in sharing your darkness (pain) and imperfections with those closest to you?  I know this can be a tough thought, but couldn’t you understand how a lover’s sometimes harsh words are no less intimate than a moonlight kiss under a starlit sky?  In this condition, living life, we’re all here doing what we can.  Think what you may, good, bad, lazy, motivated or whatever other polarity that comes to mind – that doesn’t change the fact we’re all here handling life.

Personally, I don’t know how another person arrives at the point where they are now.  I do know, however, in relationships there does seem to be a “positive” thinking way of thinking that creates an undercurrent that we are expected to be a certain way relating to others.  Even though the idea that our relations should be positive and uplifting to experience the most happiness with the least amount of suffering might be in my head, it’s still an idea.

Those I share the most intimacy with are often comfortable (on some levels) enough at a certain point in the relationship to allow the darker aspects of their personality shine through along with everything else.  I know this to be the case personally as well.  I think it’s part of who we are.  I just wonder what kind of world we would live in if we were to be more accepting of ourselves and the intimacy we all share with each other when suffering.

Would we be so quick to judge or condemn?  Would we be in a hurry to make another wrong and end a relationship?  Maybe.  Then again, maybe we would be able to accept ourselves at even a greater level as a result of understanding the nature of suffering and the intimacy of sharing.  We might forgive one another, love one another and love ourselves even more, if we could come to the understanding of exactly how much intimacy, we are, indeed, sharing in darkness.

Namaste,
Paul

If someone were to ask you to summarize who you were in five sentences of less, what would you come up with?  I’m not asking you to stop reading and think about how you would go about defining yourself, but you might be surprised at some of the automatic thoughts that enter your mind when thinking about who you think you are…The topic of this message is how real is your identity and who makes it so?

Questioning your identity can be challenging. Reading this message might even bring certain built in resistance mechanisms to the forefront of your mind.  If you feel as though you’re consistently encountering internal conflict because what you want out of life doesn’t align with who you think you are, this message could shed the crucial light on something you might consider letting go of in order to live a more harmonious life — your identity.

Most of the people I know have relatively firm ideas about themselves, who they are, what their value system is built upon, how they look, how they should act, what their place in life is and more.  You could think of this as a person’s identity.  The ideas someone has about who they are.  Granted, others may not perceive a person as they perceive themselves, but that is beside the point this is about how you perceive your own identity.

Of all the things you can be, some of them include: being rich or poor — being fat or fit — being beautiful or ugly — being up tight or easy going — being healthy or sickly — being free in spirit or bound by obligation — and more.

Of course, within those polarities, there is space in the middle.  There is also the idea of what happens to people who are how you may choose to define yourself on the topics mentioned above and more.

For example, it could be thought that a fat person has no business doing activities skinny people enjoy.  Or it can be easy to think a poor person is bound to live a certain life that a rich person has complete freedom from.  An ugly person is certain to have a far more limited experience with physical intimacy with more partners than an attractive person is.

Reading through those statements, you may be agreeing with certain statements and mentally citing experiential reference points (memories) that support your ideas- or you might think the idea is absurd (or maybe you’re somewhere in between the two ideas).  Either way the one making these decisions can be though of as an extension of who you are, or your identity (yes, please do re-read this paragraph, taking time to think about it).

No one is suggesting that there is anything wrong with your identity.  But, there is something you may have yet to consider when you are wishing to make any sort of life change that hasn’t seemed to materialize in the physical world just yet:

If the change you seek is outside of the identity you hold onto chances are there will be an internal conflict and an inevitable “victor.” For example, do you know someone who has attempted to lose weight, taken some kind of action step, lost weight – and then gained it back after a few months?

What about the person who invests their hard-earned money into an abundance of “millionaire mindset” type of books, seminars and workshops, yet year after year, still struggles with finances?  How about the person who is convinced they are destined to unwillingly endure a life of loneliness without ever finding love, only to convince themselves of this truth through a seemingly unending series of short term relationships?

Do you think it’s possible the reason many of us just don’t seem to be able to arrive where we wish we would is that our identity gets in the way?  Could it be the ideas we hold onto about ourselves keep us locked into the confines of a series of thoughts that sum up who we think we are?

What if it we had the ability to let go of who we thought we are?  What if the “fatty” decided to let go of idea altogether?  What if the person who never gets the “right break” in life they need in order to make it decides not to identify with that person anymore?  What if the ugly ducking stops subscribing to that idea?  Do you get where I’m going with this?

I know a lot of us are wishing for change right now.  So am I.  I wish you all the success in the world along your journey.  So here’s the thing… If it hasn’t quite worked out for you yet – will it ever work out for you if you continue to be the person you think you are, or will you have to let that person go?

Last week I wrote about the process of ageing – and how it seems so many of us have declared war, in many ways on the inevitable process that will eventually force us to all let go of who we think we are by certain terms – death, of your identity.  You can argue this all you wish, but you can’t dispute that we all let go of these bodies we occupy at some point.  Where we go, well – many of us have many ideas – and in some way they all include letting go of the person you think you are now.

How could your life be if you didn’t wait to let go of the parts of the person you think you are who keeps you locked into living what you don’t want?  Are you willing to find out?  I know I am.

Namaste,
Paul